Advent Children: The True Story
by Kawaii-n-Junsui
Summary: Deep from the minds of the most insane parodymakers of all time, comes a story of love, trust, forgiveness, anger, killing, blood, and death! A must read! Pairings include: CloudTifa CloudAriethAreis... chick CloudKadaj CloudSephiroth CloudToaster RenoYaz


**Kawaii's Note (Expect Junsui's To Be On Here Soon): **Hello there! I'm Kawaii-chan! This is one of very many humorous collaberations between me and my good friend Junsui-chan. We are very tallented authors, but for time's sake, we have written this story in script format, unlike our other stories, which are written like ususal stories. We may just get off of our lazy butts one day and decide to put this in an actual story format. Remember, this is meant for **MATURE** readers with a **_good sense of humor_** If you think you may be offended by rough language,dirty humor, and very slight rasism (we have nothing against those of other races; as well as nothing against homosexuals and bisexuals), please click the 'back' button. Please, no flaming. This was written for humor.

**ADVENT CHILDREN: **

THE TRUE STORY

**WOOOSH!** Pretty clouds! Red XIII and his two kittens go ROOOOOAR! And birds fly over and shit on them.

Then It Changes To Reno In His Helicopter…

Reno: Its raining men… hallelujah its raining men, amen!

Elena: Reno what're you doing!

Reno: Oo Umm… I'm… er….

Elena: Look at all the ominous mist…

**POW POW POW! BOOOOOOOSH CRASH!**

Reno: Elena? Um… shit. This isn't good…

**Changes to picture of t3h life stream**

Marlene: The life stream. Shiny, isn't it? Supposedly some assholes took energy from it to make us live comfortably or some shit like that, when we really could be renewing our energy by recycling or using solar-powered energy, but obviously that was just too hard so we had to take from the life stream, which supplies us with um… life? I dunno, I've never played the original game… Anywho, peoplez wanted them to stop using the life stream, cause eventually, we'd all go "POOSH!" and disappear, so the people, Shinra… I think? Made this group of people called SOLDIER. Not "Soldiers" but SOLDIER, no plurals and all in caps, that were, I think, like, infused with evil cells from the big, flaming rock which fell from the sky and was evol that they called Jenova. And it had a head. A fricken head. Whatever. But there was this one SOLDIER dude named Sephiroth and his name was pronounced Sephi-ross, which is really gay, so they changed it in the English dub to Seth-er-oth or something, to make it less gay sounding. And he was so mad about his gay name, he turned on everyone and tried to blow up t3h earth or something… evil-ish? And he killed a chick named Arieth… or Aeris? Something like that, they changed it in the English dub and I don't know which is which. And there was this emo-blonde dude named Cloud, who hated everything cause his name was also gay - but he liked girls… go figure… And when Arieth/Aeris died, he put her in water so fishes could eat her eyes out and her body could slowly and painfully deteriorate. How nice. Then everything kinda stopped. After that, two years have passed, and it's obvious that we are all screwed, cause everybody's turning black, and once everybody turns black, everybody will want a grill. And if everybody wants a grill, we'll have to send all the white people out to the mines to get silver and diamonds, but there won't be enough and we'll not have enough grillz for all the black people, and it will start a giant war.

**In Denzel's room**

Marlene: Keep the dirty sock on your head, bitch.

Denzel: Where's Cloud? He said he'd bring me my own stripper pole…

**Tifa at the bar with the phone ringing**

Tifa: No, the strip-bar doesn't open until eight….

**Phone rings more**

Tifa: Stupid assholes… doctor's doing a "house call" right now…

**Phone rings more**

Tifa: GODDAMMIT **storms upstairs and picks up phone **WHAT DO YOU WANT, BITCH? … Oh, hi… who's this…. Yeah… I remember that party with you…

**Cloud's on his bike. He picks up the phone and puts it away, then puts on his goggles and starts the bike, but his arm starts rapidly twitching and then you see a ROCK! It's the most amazering rock in the world. Oh the things that rock has seen, the things it has survived, the years of being worn away from the earth so that it was to rest by itself for all eternity. Suddenly, three silver-haired men appear out of nowhere and kick a sword out of the ground.**

Yazoo: Hey Kadaj, is that where the strip club is?

Kadaj: Yeah… why is my name spelled so weirdly?

Yazoo: I wonder if the strippers will be there…

Kadaj: I don't think it opens until eight.

Loz: Don't cry, Yazoo.

Yazoo: But that's like… three hours… and _She's_ there.

Kadaj: Maybe not….

Yazoo: Aw, Loz is crying like a widdle baby.

Kadaj: Oh wait, he's coming.

**Cloud is driving**

Cloud: Speed racer na na na…

**The three silver-haired dudes take off and little raptors come out from the ground, which Cloud killz.**

Loz: Where is _She_?

Yazoo: We know you have _Her_.

Kadaj **on cell phone**: Yes, and I'd like a pizza with extra pepperoni and… I don't care that you don't make pizza! I don't want to talk to you, peon! Put the manager on!

**RAWR! Kill kill kill, fight fight fight… Cloud gets shot in the face… ex, ex…**

Kadaj: Lezgo…

**Ride off**

Barrett: Hey home n! The fuck are you bitch? I just found the biggest damn grill in the world! I'll be back to pick up my little bitch later, cya!

Tifa: I TOLD YOU NO FIGHTING YOU LITTLE ASSHOLES! NOW GO- oh shit… its recording isn't it? Um, Reno called and wanted you to come over… he sounded, **cough cough** strange… um… I hope he isn't in need of your… ahem… services? Whatever, as long as he pays you…

Reno: Its raining men!

Cloud: O-O THE FUCK, MAN?

Reno: Let's fight… heh heh.

Cloud: Hey look, its Kathy Griffith!

Reno: Where!

Cloud: Outside!

Reno: KATHY!

Cloud: **Locks Reno Out** Fag…

**Darth Vader Theme**

Rufus: Hello Austin Powers.

Cloud: **Blink Blink**

Rufus: I am Dr. Evil, I require your services.

Cloud: You are a pervert.

Rufus: I need a body guard… somebody who is both a guard and has a body…

Cloud: Fuck this, I'm leaving.

Rufus: Wait, I need to tell you about the three silver-haired exotic dancers!

Reno: Where's Kathy Griffith!

Cloud: We've met…

Rufus: They're crazy, dangerous as they come.

Cloud: **Opens Door** What's this shit about _She_?

Rufus: A lot of men have women. Even the slightly gay-ish ones…

Reno: Think about it! Together we came make the best strip-club EVAH!

**Long Awkward Silence**

**Change to Tifa walking into Arieth/Aeris' church**

Marlene: La la la… pretty flowers… huh?

**Walks over to hobo-mat**

Marlene: Has Cloud been living here?

Tifa: I guess…

**Marlene goes over to box**

Marlene: What's this?

Tifa: Cloud's porn box.

Marlene: He can't come home until he gets a punishment!

Tifa: Yeah, he needs a spanking

Marlene: Uh-huh! **Is totally missing the point**

**Back at Darth Vader/ Dr. Evil/ Rufus Shinra's Lair…**

Kadaj: Oh boy, do I hate lies…

Rufus: I'm sorry. This time you get the truth. I'm gay.

Kadaj: Is that so?

Rufus: I swear it.

Kadaj: Fine then swear on these! **Drops women's panties to the floor**

Rufus: Oo

Kadaj: Where is _She_?

Rufus: I swear, I don't have a girlfriend, I swear! I'm about as straight as a bowl!

Kadaj: Not that, retard! _Her_, Jenova!

Rufus: No idea. Why do you need her?

Kadaj: The reunion is coming. When we are joined with her exotic dancing cells, we'll have an exotic dancing reunion and we'll take our horny revenge on the planet.

Rufus: This is the song…

Kadaj: But somebody's gone and hidden the invitations!

Rufus: That never ends…

Kadaj: The stigma! But you seem to know all about that.

Rufus: Yes it goes on and on my friends…

Kadaj: Until we find _Her _and receive _Her_ cells, we can't be whole again!

Rufus: It goes on forever and ever…

Kadaj: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!

Rufus: Maybe? What do you mean about whole?

Kadaj: But sir! Surely you've noticed!

**Kadaj kneels down in front of him**

Rufus: Are you… Sephi-ross?

**Cloud is emo-ing**

Cloud: I remember my friend Zack… Zack had spiky hair… Zack was cooooool… Zack was my best friend ever.

**Has an internal hernia**

**Back at the church…**

Loz: ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

Marlene: Peanut butter jelly time?

Tifa: Peanut butter jelly time!

Loz: Peanut butter jelly time!

Marlene: Peanut butter jelly!

Tifa: Peanut butter jelly!

Loz: Peanut butter jelly! Where she at?

Marlene: Where who at?

Tifa: Where who at?

Loz: Where she at?

Marlene: There she go!

Tifa: There she go!

Loz: Where she go?

Marlene: There she go!

Loz: Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly and a baseball bat!

Tifa: Now break it down and freeze!

Marlene: EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!

Loz: How low can you go? Can you go down low? All the way to the floor?

Tifa: And ya bring it to the top, like it nevah nevah stop? Can you bring it to the top? ONE HOP!

**THE THREE HOP**

Marlene: Right foot now ya'll!

**Right Foot!**

Loz: Left foot now ya'll!

**Left Foot**

Tifa: Cha cha real smooth!

**They cha cha!**

Marlene: Turn it out!

**Loz turns it out!**

**While he's looking away, Tifa walks up and kicks him where it counts**

Loz: Mommy…

Tifa: He's crying HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **She laughs so hard she passes out**

About Half an hour later… 

Loz: Agh… bitch… come here little childrenz…

Marlene: Tifa-told-me-never-to-go-with-strangers-that-had-accomplices-that-looked-suspiciously-like-Michael-Jackson!

**Meanwhile, in town**

Chick w/ Plushie: Hey, you! That guy says we're all going for a ride on a yellow submarine!

Denzel: … what kind of yellow submarine?

Chick w/ Plushie: That one! **Points**

Denzel:… I dunno… that guy kinda looks like Michel Jackson…

Yazoo: Damn kids…

**About another half an hour later…**

Cloud: I broke my bo-wo-wo-wo-wones in Louisiana… Heeeeeeey… passed out Tiiiiiiifa.

**Walks up to her**

Cloud: I've always wanted to know if they were real or not…

**Picks her up**

Tifa: CHEESECAKE!

Cloud: AGHHHH!

**Tifa passes out again**

Cloud: I wonder if its… saaaaaa… **DroolZ** Now that answers my question…

Tifa: Cloud… Loz… I kicked him in the nuts… and he…. CRIED! Wh… where's my shirt?

Cloud: oO Um… that's not important. He CRIED? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Passes Out**

**Arieth/Aeries' Ghost comes and dumps a bucket of cold water over him**

**At forgotten city**

Kadaj: **Looks at box from church** Look at what brother was hiding… materia porn! With this materia… **holds materia up and puts in his arm** … those powers will be OURS!

Marlene: Who took naughty picture of Tifa in the shower, and getting dressed, and at the beach while she was taking a nap (who took her top off in that picture?)… and in the locker room at the gym…

**At The bar/house thing…**

Cloud **Wakes Up**: Where am I? And why is Tifa shirtless next to me in bed...? Must've been some party…

Reno: Cloud, man, you're fat!

Cloud: Meh?

Reno: How much do you weigh? Rude and I had to carry you guys' ass' back up here… and why is Tifa shirtless?

Cloud: ………..

Rude: Weren't there homeless children living here?

Cloud: No, they went to sleep at the park.

Reno: Um… aren't you worried that Michael Jackson'll abduct them?

Cloud: No, not really. Marlene will be okay, she's a girl. As for Denzel, he's just screwed.

Reno: Let's go point and laugh!

Cloud: Hmmm… Tiiiifaaa… **DroolZ**

Reno: Screw it. Lezgo Rude!

Rude: I hate my name…

**At The Forgotten City**

Kadaj: My brothers… my sisters. **Bows**We are all connected! In a circle in a hoop that never ends; the life stream! _She_ gave us these exotic dancing powers… and what happens to us? We get rejected! Labeled perverts and sluts! The scum on an old dildo! Now! I shall heal you! We shall inherit her powers and exotically dance in unison! Now! Do as I do! Rename yourself with a crazy, strangely spelled name!

**Walks into t3h water**

Kadaj: Don't worry; I'm warming it up for you with my piss.

**Drinks the water**

Kadaj: That is some good shit…

**Kids go into t3h water and start drinking**

Marlene: Don't drink it, Denzel! He peed in that!

**Denzel drinks it**

**At Cloud and Tifa's Bar/House**

Cloud: Mmmm… Tifa…

**Tifa wakes up**

Cloud: Uh, I mean… Reno and Rude left! V

**Cloud on bike with really really REALLY white trees**

Tifa: I saw those pictures you took of me Cloud… you like me, don't you?

Cloud: Oo;; What pictures?

**Cloud on bike**

Tifa: You got over Arieth… Aeris? … Chick. And you love me now, right?

Cloud: o.o You're crazy, I swear…

**More Cloud on bike**

Tifa: 'Cause if you like me…

Cloud: When does it turn eight o' clock?

Tifa: Do we really need to wait?

**Cloud on bike, smiling**

Reno: Hi guys!

Cloud and Tifa: OO

Reno: o.o Whoops… I'll come back later…

Cloud and Tifa: **Nod slowly**

**Cloud is driving and he's thrown foreword into whiteness**

Arieth/Aeris: You were cheating on me.

Cloud: But you're dead!

Arieth/Aeris: That's only because you drowned me in the freaking lake! WERE YOU HAVING SEX WITH TIFA!

Cloud: No-yes… maybe? O.o I'm fucked, aren't I?

Arieth/Aeris: DIE CLOUD!

**Cloud bounces out of his dream-thingy**

Cloud: oo I've got to stop drinking. **Glances over his shoulder and runs into a tree** SHIT!

**Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo shoot at him… children sticking to ground… motorcycle flying away… dramatic fight, ex, ex.**

Kadaj: Lookie lookie boys and girls! It's the doctor! It looks like he's come to give us a check-up… who wants to go first.

**Puts the blade to Cloud's throat**

Kadaj: I do…

Marlene: Cloud! He disturbs me on great levels!

**More fighting, blah blah blah…**

**And when he's right about to get killed and/or raped by Kadaj, a swirly red cloak of DoOOoOooOm rescues him**

Cloud: What do you know about _Her_?

Vincent: _She_ is Jenova's fucking head. Kadaj's group chooses kids with the stigma- which is a disease that makes people infected by Jenova's exotic dancing genes turn black- and turn them into exotic dancers so they can bring back Sephiroth- the ultimate male stripper, appealing to both women and men. **Sad face** I wonder why he couldn't just work in Engineering, it's a lot more conservative...

**Hear a noise**

Cloud: AHH! A BEAR!

Marlene: I'm not a bear…

Vincent: That wasn't a very funny scene…

Marlene: Tifa! Where is she?

Cloud: Um… she's… recovering **cough cough**

Vincent: **Raises Eyebrow**

Marlene: I want to talk to her.

Cloud: I lost my phone.

Marlene: Can I use yours, Uncle Vinnie?

Vincent: Don't call me that.

Marlene: Why are you so emo?

Vincent: **Deep Breath** Well, seeing that the woman that I thought loved me and may have had my child was cheating on me with some insane scientist that intended to do experiments on her - and possibly _my_ - unborn child and when I tried to save her I got injected with the evil Jenova cells and eventually locked up in a coffin for thirty years, and have possibly become immortal to walk the Earth in pain and suffering for years and years, wishing what could've been had been and how I could've gotten my life back; and the fact I don't have a cell phone, I'd say I have a pretty good reason for being emo.

Marlene: Good point. You are a weakling, Cloud.

Cloud: Hey, I just lost my virginity to _Tifa Lockheart_. I think that proves how awesomely strong and bishie I am!

**Marlene and Vincent burst out laughing**

Vincent: YOU JUST DID! How old are you, man? Like, mid-twenties?

Cloud: Well I don't see me going off and fathering a love child that eventually attempted to take over the world…

Marlene: You really ARE a weakling,

Cloud: YOU'RE A CHILD! How do you know about these things!

Marlene: One word: Anime.

Cloud: Touché.

Vincent: **twitch**

**Flashback to scene at Tifa and Cloud's bar/house/thingie**

Cloud: … and then they made me their chief!

Rude: YOU'RE the chief of the silver haired exotic dancers!

Tifa: No fair! _I_ want to be chief!

Cloud: You try to save some children from a life of poles and almost getting raped and or killed by Kadaj, AND THEN you come talk to me about fair!

Tifa: Stop bitching! I know, you've told us this story six times in a row now! Even if we find the kids, they may still want poles. You're just afraid that Kadaj is gonna teach them something that they can never un-learn! But you've gotta look at what he's teaching them, and really take it in. You think you've got it so damn' hard! Almost being raped by Kadaj, AND getting to learn … _stuff_. You hate being alone, so why not let people in? You know when I say "people", I mean "me", right? Sure, you may not answer your phone whenever I call, but I know that's only because you know that you're not that good in bed! Just because you're embarrassed, doesn't mean I see you throwing away your phone either.

Reno: WOAH man! That's _waaaaay_ more info then I needed to know!

**Reno and Rude leave room**

Tifa: So who do love more? A dead chick, or me?

**Another one of Cloud's random mind-trips**

Cloud: I… I drowned you at the lake… why won't you leave me alone?

Aerith/Aeris: GODDAMNIT CLOUD! Why do you hate me so much! I'M GONNA KILL JOO!

Cloud: Shit

**End mind trip and flashback**

Cloud: Is sleeping with another girl then the one that still loves you forgivable?

Vincent: ….. Frankly, no. But why does it matter, you still get some, right?

Cloud: Frankly? Frank… Frank… I once had a goldfish named Frank. Marlene?

**Marlene peaks out of Vincent's felt-looking cloak and nods**

Cloud: Well, I'm going to try to be forgiven. And I'm getting a new goldfish, too!

**View of Cloud's phone falling through water in a grotto sort of place**

…

**More falling**

…

**The Little Mermaid floats by**

Cell phone messages…

Reeve: Hey, it's Reeve. I saw an add for your business in the newspaper today. How the hell do you stay in business? You go from being a SOLDIER to a "delivery boy"? You're backsliding. I laughed and laughed for hours. I thought I'd offer to help out, just so I could make fun of you in your face, but I've got to spread this news allllll around. Have fun!

Yuffie: SURPRISE! IT'S ME, YUFFIE! I just stole ALLLLL of your materia, just to let you know. Your security system sucks – a system of paperclips and old newspapers folded into origami pit bulls just doesn't cut it. Thanks for the easy break-in! Just to letcha know, okay?

Barrett: Guess what? I discovered I have a crappy name too! We should start a club, and Marlene could be the mascot! Just let her know, okay?

Tifa: … and I need a pound of meat, five six packs, a one ounce Diet Dr. Pepper, seven apples, some pasta, custard, eight packs of strawberries, dish soap, toothpaste, band-aids, curtains, some dry-cleaning, Pepto Bismol, Kleenex, honey, hairspray, five tubs of Mako Hair Gel in the BIGGEST size they've got, and some stamps. And don't forget the eggs, okay?

**Cell phone lands at the bottom of the ocean/sea/grotto**

Aerith/Aeris: Motorola endorsed this movie. Buy a Motorola phone, or I'll have to come kill you in your sleep, kay? Have a nice day!

**Pan of Forgotten City**

**Switches to scene of New Midgar; the children are chained to the big monument-thing in their shiny new exotic dancing outfits o (provided by Yazoo; The master seamstress!) And they seem to be having quite the time with their beautiful strip poles (provided by Loz; the master of all things shiny and metal!);D The people in the streets are ranting, raving, bitching, and moaning about how sick they are, while others are just interested in the show… However, Yazoo becomes slightly annoyed and sics his evol shadow monsters of doom on then How nice! **

Tifa: DENZEL! DENZEL! Stop stripping this instant!

**Loz and Yazoo attempt to pull the monument over**

Reno: Hello you silly savages…

Yazoo: We know _She's_ here. It's obvious.

Rude: Muh?

Loz: Yeah. It's a giant strip pole with chains on it for god's sake.

Reno: Oh wow, you are the smartest silly-willies I've ever seen.

Rude: **Grunt** _She_'s not here.

Reno: And where _She_ really is, we haven't the silliest little clue in the world! **Giggle**

Loz: For some reason, you remind me of a squirrel… a _crazy _squirrel.

Reno: Grr…HIIIIYAHHH

**13th Floor of a big building**

Rufus: I have a question.

Kadaj: And I have an answer.

Rufus: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Kadaj: Now that's just gay.

Rufus: Why do you need the exotic dancing cells of Jenova?

Kadaj: Him. Sephiroth. He's coming back.

Rufus: The ultimate stripper…

Kadaj: I never knew him… but I can feel his presence, deep inside.

Rufus: Fag.

Kadaj: To make her happy… I will do anything.

Rufus: My bologna has a first name…

Kadaj: As long as you exist- the exotic dancers will come on their dancer-mobile again and again.

Rufus: Its O-S-C-A-R…

Kadaj: Were you even listening to me?

Rufus: Sorry.

Kadaj: You don't seem sorry.

Rufus: I don't have too. I've never had this much fun.

Kadaj: And you're calling me the fag

**Uses the materia in his arm to create a giant, stripping monster**

People In The City: OH MY GAWDDDDD! IT A GIANT, STRIPPING MONSTER!

Person: Now that's somethin' ya don't see every day.

**The monster than continues to strip, blow shit up, eat people, look like a fake Power Rangers monster, and hump buildings**

Tifa: Wake up you little asshole!

**The monster sits on top of the stripping monument**

Reno and Rude: GRAB THE KIDS AND RUN KYAAAAAAAAAA!

**Tifa shields Denzel from the explosion the stripping monster creates with its stripping powerz of doom! Meanwhile, Reno and Rude are on the ground in quite… suggestive positions. Loz and Yazoo come up behind them.**

Reno: **Giggle**

Yazoo: Are we having fun yet?

Reno: **Giggle Giggle** Oh, you're so big, scary and intimate… **giggle**

Yazoo: Oo Wha…?

Reno: I'm taking one for the team **jumps on top of Yazoo** Take me, you horny beast! Leave Rude and take me instead.

Yazoo: The fuck are you smoking, man!

Reno: What _am _I smoking?

Rude: The world…. MAY NEVER KNOW!1!one!

**Yazoo and Loz, creeped out… RUN LIKE T3H WIND!1!one!1!**

Denzel: Tifa…? Why are you on top of me o.o I never knew you liked me that way Tifa… uh… Tifa? OMGZ WT6F UR DEAD!1!one!

**Turnz to monster**

Denzel: I KEEEEEEL YOUUUUU!

**Barrett appears out of nowhere and saves Denzel's ass**

**Shoots like crazy**

Barrett: Muahahhahahahhahhahaha! Trigger HAPPAY!

**Turns to Denzel**

Barrett: Rob the jewellery store and tell 'em make me a grill!

**Denzel nods and runs off. Red XIII appears with Cait Sith on his head.**

Red: RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!

**Jumps on giant stripping monster's head**

Barrett: Damn' kitty you owe me ten bucks! DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!

**Shoots like hell**

Cait Sith: Oh me God! It'z nakie!

**Red and Cait Sith get shaken like a bag of shake n bake chicken, and flung off the giant stripping monster.**

Red: RAWR again! I KEEL JOO WIF MY STINKY GREEN GLOWING BREATH OF DoOoOoOoOoOoOoM!one!11!

Barrett: Fine, if the monster won't kill 'em, then I'll just do it myself! **Snicker** Hey! Dumb monster, get out of my shooting range! Oh shit… get away… I don't want any… I'm straight… SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!

**Giant-ass ninja star/shruiken flies three inches from Barrett's already scarred face and continently slices the mouth of the stripping monster. Yuffie catches shruiken and lands with the aid of a parachute.**

Yuffie: Oh ya! I'm the new Bond girl! **Hums Mission Impossible theme** See? I've even got t3h sexy boots! Heeey, wait a second…. Whose been touching my materia!

Tifa: Touching your what!

Yuffie: CLOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDD! He stole my _special_ materia, damnit!

Denzel: _I'm_ special, Tifa!

**Cid drops in to kill some evol shadow monsters of DoOoOoOoOoOoM, and save Tifa and Denzel.**

Cid: Look up there! That aircraft is HELLZA expensive… how 'bout we steal it later so we can witness some major plot points later?

Tifa: **nods**

**Vincent walks out from the city**

Vincent: Where can I find a pole?

Denzel: … the fuck?

Tifa: I don't know.

**Cloud comes up on big shiny bike.**

Denzel: CLOUD!

Cloud: Marlene is safe… I locked her in a small dark room with five giant Hershey bars.

Tifa: You call THAT safe?

Cloud: …..

Denzel: I'll go tranquilize Marlene! **Runs off and turns back to Tifa and Cloud** You promise you won't kill me if I have to kill her?

Cloud: **nods**

**Tifa hops on bike behind Cloud.**

Tifa: You wish that we were _somewhere else_ don't you?

Cloud: COUGH

**Switches over into the high rise of the city**

Barrett: Damn' you! I'll kill you for not letting me kill the kitty! DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE! Eh?

**Stripping monster of evol opens it's mouth and starts to glow blue.**

Barrett: Shit! Its magical stripping powerz are warping my MiNd!

**Barfs magical shiny stripping outfit at Barrett.**

Barrett: Noooooooooooooooooooooo! **Jumps off and finds himself hanging by a hand.** I think I'd have preferred the outfit…

Vincent: **shoots crazier then Barrett** I WILL find a pole, and when I do, I'll draw this … this THING to it and BLOW IT UP! Bwahahahahahahahahaha! **Flames burst up behind him… from explosions… and stuff…**

Giant Stripping Monster: Yummy! Vinnie-cakes! **Tries to eat Vincent.**

Vincent: Duck and cover! **Falls off metal pillar.**

Cid runs and jumps to stab t3h monster, but gets knocked over by a giant fart and instead Red and Cait Sith save him… more fighting, shooting, and the monster chasing Vinnie…

Kadaj: This is too fun! Any requests for the next act!

Rufus stands up, holding a BOX!

Kadaj: You're straight… AND YOU HAVE _HER_!

Rufus: A good butt buddy… would've known!

**He throws the box off of the building**

**Switch to Cloud fighting the monster**

Cloud: RAAA-

Kawaii: Wait, pause the movie for a sec; let's go get some sherbert!

Junsui: Is that how you spell it?

Kawaii: I don't know, but its pineapple flavored! o

Junsui: . Heheheh, look where it paused

**Cloud has a really gay face.**

K & J: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cloud: -AAAAA!

**Everybody helps throw Cloud upwards**

Barrette: You still owe me money!

Cid: You still owe me a pack of cigarettes!

Red: You still owe me a tic-tac!

Cait Sith: And you still owe me a trip to Star Wars Episode III!

Yuffie: If you die, can I have your hair gel?

Vincent: And can I have your cell phone?

Tifa: If you make it out of this… let's get married!

Arieth/Aeris: I'm sending you to your death

**Cloud BLOWZ MONSTER UP!**

**Meanwhile back with Kadaj and his ex-butt buddy…**

Kadaj: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

**Releases an 'Uber Gay' materia out of his arm.**

Kadaj: You WILL be mine, and I WILL get _Her_ back!

Rufus: I'll never marry you! **Tries to commit suicide.**

**Shit blows up behind where Rufus was standing.**

Rufus: It would be bad for my rep if I married a stripper. Adieu! **Shoots at Kadaj**

"**I'm in Love Wif a Stripper" plays in the background…**

Kadaj: Honey-pie! **Jumps after Rufus** _Maybe if he can see how exotic I am with _Her_ help…_

Reno and Rude: Uh-oh Spaghetti-O's!

Kadaj: Must… reach… BOX!

Rufus: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! My reputation! **Shoots at box and hits it.**

Tseng and Elena: Why must our boss stupidly be suicidal at the worst times?

Rufus: SAFE!

Kadaj: SCORE! **Looks at box.** No! A hole! _Her_ exoticness will leak out onto the harsh streets, and be wasted on worthless fools. **Looks around sneakily.** NO! It is mine, my own… my PRECIOUS! **Hops on bike and drives off.**

Loz and Yazoo: We weren't in the frames, but we're here too!

**Seemingly rider-less bikes take off carrying Loz and Yazoo.**

Reno: Damnit! Let's climb this tarp of this recently blown-up building for no apparent reason!

Rude: 'Kay.

Reno: Stop looking at my ass! I have a new butt-buddy now!

**Reno kicks Rude in the face and Rude falls to ground.**

Rude: Owie, I've gotta boo-boo.

Cloud: I'm gonna get choo!

Kadaj: Come and catch me, pretty boy!

Cloud: Pretty boy! Grrr…

Random People: Holy! WT6F!

Sign: DO NOT ENTER: UNFINISHED ROAD AHEAD, TURN BACK YOU IGNORANT PEONS!

Kadaj: Hmpf! Screw authority! **Bashes through METAL sign.**

Cloud: Holy crap! Kadaj just threw a metal sign at me! BASTARD!

Loz and Yazoo: Let us conveniently distract you and make you take the wrong onramp!

Cloud: Must… kill… KADAJ!

Kadaj: Meh… hehehehehehe… I get a good aerial view of Cloudy from up here!

Yazoo: RAWR!

Loz: RAWR! ………. I can do back flips!

Yazoo: You know, for as close as I am, I can't seem to be able to shoot you…

**Cloud, Loz, and Yazoo zoom into a big tunnel.**

**Fighting ensues**

Loz: I am WOLVERINE! **Throws bike at Yazoo and Cloud with his legs.**

Yazoo: This seems familiar… and I STILL can't seem to shoot you!

Cloud: Ya know, this was probably a bad idea to try to cut through a MOTORCYCLE with a SWORD. The way I'm cutting it, my sword's gonna swing around and hit me… SHIT! **Flips himself forward, which the camera didn't show because the director was too stupid to figure out how to get Cloud out of this pickle.**

Loz: SURPRISE!

Cloud: This is getting old. **Continues to beat the shit out of Loz and Yazoo, and destroy their weapons at the same time.**

**Loz hops on bike behind Yazoo.**

Yazoo: Stop looking at me like that!

**Kadaj vooming by the tunnel on the top onramp.**

Kadaj: Speed racer! Na na na na…

**Pans down to a heli-chopper with Reno and Rude, both holding bombs.**

Reno: Hey, partner.

Rude: I am not your partner!

Reno: Are too!

Rude: But you said I wasn't your butt-buddy anymore!

Reno: You're not…. But you're still my partner!

Rude: This bomb goes off in 53 seconds. If you don't shut up, you'll be seein' rainbows.

Reno: I LOVE RAINBOWS!

Rude: You know I made these bombs, right?

Reno: Meep!

Cloud: MOVE YA IDIOTS! **Drives in-between Reno and Rude, who throw bombs into tunnel. At this point, Reno's fate is uncertain.**

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH**

**Loz and Yazoo Fireworks Light Up The Sky o**

**ACTIONNNNN!**

**Cloud Tears off His Sleeve Because It Is ANNOYINGINGINGING**

**Kadaj goes to Arieth/Aeris' church**

Kadaj: YES! And NOW I, Kadaj… have a BOX!

**Looks in box**

Kadaj: Where is _She_? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cloud: How could a person be in a box?

Kadaj: Good question. NOW DIE!

**ACTION! ACTION! ACTION!**

And once more, when Kadaj is again about to rape and/or kill Cloud, water springs up from the ground in the form of Arieth/Aeris and kicks Kadaj in the nuts. She then pours a bucket of water over Cloud, which erases the stigma, and returns Cloud to a completely white person again!

Arieth/Aeris: MOVE IT ASSHOLE! I didn't come back from the grave for nothing!

**Meanwhile in the hijacked aircraft**

Yuffie: And once again, the return of a crappy security system that has been easily defeated by THE GREAT NINJA YUFFIE! **Tee hee** Cloud! o I stole all your materia remember? HERE IT IS!

Tifa: Um, shouldn't we be helping him?

Vincent: No, Kadaj is a bug. And bugs are icky.

Yuffie: He's a BUG? What do you mean he's a fucking BUG?

Cait Sith: USE THE FORCE, LUKE!

Cid: And supposedly, this bug will turn into the butterfly, Sephi-ross?

Tifa: Vincent, does Cloud know… about Kadaj?

Vincent: … What about him?

Tifa: His severe gay bishie-ness.

Yuffie: I don't understand, why is Kadaj a bug?

Cid: Shut up, this is white people's poetry in motion!

Yuffie: Racist! RACIST!

Barrette: Black people don't get it, either.

Tifa: Just think, only a few years ago, we were the biggest strippers in the business… but that feeling's gone, now. But I think… I think Cloud's finding it again.

Barrette: He's got ten seconds.

Yuffie: We'll he's a royal pain in the ass…

Tifa: In more ways than one.

**Insert Action Here… blah dee dah**

Kadaj: And now I'm hanging off the side of a building with one hand… perfect.

Cloud: Whatever you do, don't throw the box.

**Throws box**

Cloud: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU! **Slices Box**

Kadaj: Now all I have to do is drink the exotic dancing Gatorade inside, and I will be ONE WITH HER!

Cloud:… Aren't you gay?

**Kadaj falls and Cloud jumps to follow him, Cloud lands on top of Kadaj, who is now…**

Sephiroth: Good to see you… Cloud.

**They jump up**

Sephiroth: Your exotic-dancing genes are gone… that's to bad… I thought we could have some fun.

Cloud: What do you want, Sephiroth? I told you that I'm not gay anymore!

Sephiroth: What I want Cloud… is to sail the exploration of sexuality with you as my vessel… just as Tifa did not long ago.

Cloud: You sick fuck… what will happen to Tifa?

Sephiroth: That's up to you, Cloud.

**Marlene and Denzel are watching "The Price is Right", as things explode outside**

Marlene: It's raining… FLOWER LADY!

Sephiroth: Oh… how did you find this strength to resist me?

Cloud: I'm not about to tell you, asshole! KAZE NO KIZU!

Sephiroth: Copyright infringement!

**More fighting**

Sephiroth: I've thought of a wonderful present for you…

**Fight fight fight**

Sephiroth: Shall I give her despair?

**Fighting…**

Sephiroth: On your knees; I want you to _beg_…

**Fight fight fight**

Sephiroth: Tell me what you desire to do to her most… let _me_ do it to her, _forcefully_.

**FIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG**

Cloud: I pity you. You just don't get it at all.

**Fight**

Cloud: There's not a thing I _don't_ wanna do to her!

**Cloud Goes In For The Final Attack**

Cloud: Stay where you belong… in the closet.

Sephiroth: I will… _never_ go into the closet.

**Big black EvOl wing of doom sprouts out of Sephi-ross' back and… eats him… revealing- KADAJ!**

Kadaj: I'm fucked **falls to ground**

Cloud: **stare**

Kadaj: **Looks up from where he fell, Shouba in hand.** Cloud… you will… be MINE! RAAAAWWWRR! URK!

**Kadaj falls and Cloud catches him in his arms… awkward…**

Cloud: **whispers** Maybe if Aeris/Aerith sees us like this, she'll think I'm gay and leave me alone.

Kadaj: You… you mean you _don't_ love me? **sniffle**

Aerith/Aeris: Kadaj?

Kadaj: Hm?

Aeris/Aerith: I will turn you straight. Anything to get you away from MY Cloud!

Kadaj: Anything for you, exotic dancing queen.

Aeris/Aerith: -.- Whatever, come to Heaven and turn into pretty green lights!

Kadaj: **extends both hands above him** Boooooobssss… **DroolZ**

Aeris/Aerith: **Absorbs Kadaj about ten times faster then she needed too**

Cloud: Hm… I wonder if she thinks I'm gay now? Good bye Kadaj-sparkles, may you dance in Heaven happily! Oh, and kill Aerith/Aeris for me, 'kay?

**Random people in streets**

Girl with Stigma: Oh my God! This rain-that-is-not-like-any-other-rain-in-my-entire-life-of-living is magically taking away my whore-ishness! Ew! What the fuck am I wearing!

Boy (now cured) next to her: Oooh, shiny!

Girl (also now cured): Don't touch me!

Boy: Oh, baby!

Girl: Aeris/Aerith! Take me with yoooouuuu! I don't want to dance anymore!

**Into the city we see Tseng, Elena, Rude, and Rufus… who happens to be wearing a sheet… as usual… 0.0**

Rufus: We are gathered here today to honor Reno's memory.

Rude: But we don't even know if he's dead!

Tseng: Ya, we never found the body!

Rufus: Well… maybe if we just pretend he's dead he won't come back…

Rufus, Tseng, and Elena: **SWEATDROP**

**On hijacked aircraft**

Yuffie: Oh, ya! We rock!

Cait Sith: What do you mean, we?

Cid: We just sat back and watched Cloud try and go kill himself.

Vincent: Is that… a spider? Ew…

Tifa: Now let's have an orgy!

Cid: Hold on to yer britches!

**drip drip drip**

Tifa: Huh? Little raindrop Aerith/Aeris. You are so small. And so annoying. How you drip and drip and drip. Haha. Stupid bitch. I win! PARTAY TIME!

**Cloud looking up at hijacked airship.**

Cloud: Tifa… no… I'M NOT GAY! No! I want some fun too! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**CHA-POW!**

Cloud: OMFG! I, the incredible Cloud, has been shot! **Falls to ground** And I just realized… I'm colorblind!

Yazoo: Yay! I shot him. I actually shot him!

Loz: So you can shoot him when you're _ten yards_ away, but not when you're _ten inches_ away? Where's the logic in that?

Cloud: I'm not dead yet! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRR!

Yazoo: We'll go together. **wiggles eyebrows**

Loz: Together we'll play **perverted grin**

Cloud: Die, fags, DIE!

**BOOSH!ONE111!ONE!**

Denzel: If Cloud dies, I get dibs on Fenrir.

Marlene: NO! Cloud can't die… wait, what's Fenrir?

Denzel: His motorcycle, and I get it because even at my surprisingly young age, I have sideburns.

Marlene: So?

Denzel: That makes me macho. **Smirks**

**In passage to the Lifestream.**

Cloud: BLAH **Floats around all dead-ish and shit.**

Aeris/Aerith: **Puts hand on hand.**

Cloud: Kadaj?

Aeris/Aerith: Kadaj? No! You mean you really _are_ gay?

Cloud: ……

Zack: That's too bad, kid. We don't allow fags like you into the Life stream.

Spirit Wolf: YAY for symbolism!

Cloud: Huh? Where am I?

Aerith/Aeris: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYA! **Kicks spirit Cloud to some other place** See how _you_ like it when _I'm_ drowning you in a lake!

Cloud: AH! Okaaaaaaaay. **Looks at children surrounding him in a perfect circle** Is this a cult or something, 'cause I'm not interested.

Girl: It's like she said. Try drowning him in a lake, and he'll wake up!

Cloud: ….. the fuck?

Yuffie: Look over here, dumbass!

Cloud: You rang? Oh, peoplez who abandoned me to die! How nice to see you all again!

Vincent: But bugs are ickie…

Cloud: Fuck you.

Red: There are still children in want of poles.

Cloud: **nods**

Tifa: Go on Denzel; go to Cloud, the one with spiky hair, you know, CLOOUUD?

Denzel: Give me a pole or you die, bitch!

Tifa: **Pushes Denzel in water**

**Cloud cups magical sparkly water in his hands and pours it over Denzel's head.**

Cloud: Congratulations, I have now baptized you as part of our Kabala-induced red ribbon cult!

Denzel: Sonnova bitch! That's cold, jackass! I uh, huh? What the hell am I wearing? I look like a fag!

Yuffie, cid, and co.: YAY! It worked! **Pushes other children into water**

Children: Baptize us, Mr. Cloud! Let us join your cult, pleeeeeeeeaaase?

Cloud: Lalalalala… ignore random children… lalalala… Aeris/Aerith… lalalala… WHAT! Shit!

Aeris/Aerith: **Talking to kids** Now don't sniff white stuff up your nose, 'kay? **Gets up to leave**

Cloud: _Die bitch, die! Trip on a nail and die! Leave me alone and DIE!_

Aeris/Aerith: **Turns around, and you can see Zack in the doorway behind her.** I'm sorry, Cloud. But I could never love a fag. So I've left you for your best friend… past… love interest? Fuck off!

Zack: See ya, fucka! **Waves**

Cloud: **smiles for the first time in his life** I could just die right now, I'm so happy!

**SCREEN GOES WHITE**

Cloud: I didn't mean it literally! -.-V

**AFTER CREDITS PLAY – We see two pictures beside the phone at the Strife residence. Cloud walks by and approaches the window, pulling back the curtains.**

Cloud: …. The fuck?

**Reno is strutting down the street, as gay as he could be – both ways, of course. In his hand is a leather leash, which leads to a leather collar, which leads to a leather-clad man. Wait! What? And at the end of that collar was Yazoo, the former master seamstress, clawing at the ground and digging his heels into the dirt.**

Yazoo: HEEEELLLPPPP MEEEEEE!

Reno: Come on, Yazoo! Let's get married!

**Suddenly, "Happy Wedding" from DDR begins in an anonymous area.**

**And so Cloud watched as the two traipsed off into the sunset, or rather Reno dragged Yazoo to his doom.**

Cloud: I REALLY need to stop drinking…

**_Fin_**

Author's Notes:

Junsui-Chan: Well, we felt a slight need for an explanation. We were bored when we wrote this, if you couldn't tell by the fact that this is 31 pages long! V No, we don't think that Sephiroth, Kadaj, Cloud, etc. are really gay. We also don't support any yaoi pairings that may have been expressed in this piece, 'cause hey, it's just a parody, right? Reno…. Is fucked up. Simply put. We love the guy, and that makes it all the more fun to torture him!

Kawaii-chan: Ano… is there anything else we want to put, Junsui-chan?

Junsui-chan: Mmmm, yup! We aren't racist, and neither is Barrett! LOL Also, all characters belong to Square Enix, Nomura, etc. But one day, ONE DAY… oooh Kaaadajjj!

Kawaii-chan: I call dibs on Riku!o Anywho, this Parody is dedicated to master of all things parody: BRANDON DARLING! AKA GABRIEL KNIGHT321! You may notice a few inside jokes from his "Dysfunctional Hearts" parody sprinkled here and there! We loves joo Brandon-nii-chan!

KawaiinJunsui: May you parody happily for t3h rest of your days! Have a very squeeful day!


End file.
